Tails from the Highway by Roady the RV Dog

Ricardo – “The Mystery of the Smoking Toilet”

 Roady the RV Dog here.  I just got an interesting voice-mail. Delivered in a suave, Latin voice, the message was:

Tails From the Highway!

 Ah em sending you a photo-grrraph so that you can see forrr yourrr-self the terrrr-able situation that I am en.  Mi wife will not speak with me until I ave corrr-ected this prrroblem.  I will bee forrr-everrr en yourrr debt if you caan elp me.  With deepeeest rrre-garrd, I am, Don Recarrrdo En-rrrique Juan Errrnesto Montobone”

 An e-mail arrived soon after.  The attached photograph showed an RV toilet with a gentle haze of smoke surrounding it.  A silvery, standard-sized poodle stood stoically nearby. His counterpart (a beautiful black-eyed vixen whose a raven coat looked like velvet) was peering over his shoulder cautiously, obviously frightened by the phenomenon.

 Senor and Senora Montobone, while I have not personally seen this happen, I have heard of such occurrences.  As I explain, please prepare yourself; I may have to be a bit… indelicate.

 Ricardo, in your voice-mail, you said that you are vacationing in South Florida.  I’d bet with your accent that you are snow-birding from the far north (someplace like Minnesota), and have only recently arrived. 

 When you got to Florida, your humans were probably anxious to try out dishes like “red-hot calamari” or “crispy fried mahi mahi strips”.  I am certain that they also enjoyed some of the local delicacies like Ropa Vieja with sofrito, tamales, or picadilloe. While these foods are not especially spicy for the natives, they are often rich enough to set fire to a neophyte tummy from Minnesota.  (It’s only natural to want to sample the culinary bounty of exotic lands. I admit that I am often tempted at rest-stop dumpsters as The Professor travels with me, and I have paid a fearsome price on more than one occasion.)

 How do I say this delicately? 

 We all know that these foreign spices are just as hot leaving as they were when they were eaten… So while you may believe that it is the toilet that is smoking; it is in fact your humans who are suffering this indignity.  You are witnessing the residual effects of their gastronomical mishaps.  Remember that humans are modest creatures by nature.

 They are known to go hide in the area that contains the toilet during their smoke dispersion episodes.  Look around.  Are the walls scorched?  Do you see suspicious holes burned through their clothing? Have you heard noises of pain and discomfort coming from your human? Have you noticed your humans suddenly springing to their feet and hurling themselves toward the toilet area? 

 The thing is, it isn’t smoke and mirrors, it’s just smoke.  And the question is; what can you do about it? I recommend that you take your humans for frequent, long walks.  Exercise seems to help speed up the digestive process.  I know it may be difficult to keep your humans moving, but if you are diligent, you can walk them through this smoke dispersion problem in 2 or 3 days.

 On your walks, you might also consider what the Professor had to say about this problem when we discussed it this morning as I was taking him for his walk. While I do not believe this is your problem I still try to humor him and let him think this RVing lifestyle is for his benefit and pleasure.

 The Professor was wondering since your RV is new if anyone had checked to see if the toilet plumbing had been hooked up correctly. He said that he had seen this situation happen before when someone in the factory had hooked up the hot water line to the inlet of the toilet. So every time the toilet was flushed the hot water came out of the toilet and flowed into the toilet bowl.

 The Professor says while it does feel good to sit on a warm toilet, it is a very inefficient and is an expensive feature to have. Not sure why anyone would want to sit on that thing but you know humans.

 Senor Montobone, I enjoy taking the Professor on his walks as he amuses me and I really try to be understanding to his “Professor World” way of thinking.

 I wonder if you could humor The Professor and display your courage to Senora Montobone and drink from the smoking toilet? 

 You must wait until your human has had their smoke dispersion episode, at which time you must leap into that little room and drink from the smoking toilet to sample the condition of the water. If the water is cold you will know that the spicy cuisine has been the source of the smoke. If the water is hot….well, maybe the Professor might correct and the hot water line has been hooked up to the toilet. 

 As a way to toast your courage and to rinse the smoking toilet water from your mouth we are sending you a 6-pack of Roady’s Toilet Water-It ain’t Blue with easy to remove cap.  Yes, Senor your courage is a sight to be admired and this is one of those special moments that only comes along once or twice in a dog year that you can lift your paw and drink to…Savor and enjoy this moment of victory. Besides the Roady’s Toilet Water – It ain’t Blue with easy to remove cap should go well with lutefisk or head cheese.

 This is Roady the RV Dog saying goodbye for now and Senor Montobone, don’t let the smoke get in your eyes.

 Keep your wheels rolling, and those letters and photos coming!

Looking for the Professor’s Winterizing & Storing Your RV?  Check out ‘DID YOU KNOW? – Facts From the Professor