Tails from the Highway with Roady the RV Dog

“For the Birds”

Tails From the Highway!

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I just haven’t been myself lately.  Once I heard from my good friend, Chuck, I wanted to share the exchange.

He wrote:

Roady,

Something weird is happening.  Sometimes when Harold and I are pulling our travel trailer, there’s this horrible screeching and screaming noise that comes from behind the truck.  It seems to be cyclical and it seems to be worse when we slow down.  Harold doesn’t really seem to notice, but I promise you it’s there!  What’s going on?

                                                                                       Chuck

“Chuck,” I replied. “There are two possible explanations for your problem.

The first is your trailer brakes are sticking. This is the least likely explanation, but I’m obligated to mention it because the Texas RV Professor thinks that’s the problem and talks about it in his Webinars and his Did You Know Tech Tips at the MobileRVAcademy.com.

The second, and most likely, explanation is you have a chicken infestation in your trailer.  I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself how I could know this so quickly. 

Let me tell you about what happened to me recently …

One evening not too long ago, the Professor and I went to visit the professor’s brother, Pete, on his farm.  After I sat around in the living room with the humans for a while, I got bored and hungry.  So I went to the pantry and had a snack of cookies and chips. I really wanted some cheese doodles and I looked everywhere, but there weren’t any, not even on the top shelf (that’s where the Professor usually puts them).  After four or five minutes of searching, I gave up and made a nice bed out of some rolls of paper towels.  I grabbed a can of soda from the pile on the floor and was quietly licking the leaks from the bite marks when Pete yanked the door open.  He immediately started having a fit! He was pointing and yelling for the Professor, shouting something incoherent about his wife and when she got home.

I have to say right here I had no idea she wouldn’t want me sleeping in the pantry (it must be some sort of rural custom).  I always try to be a good houseguest, so if I’d known she was so particular about her personal space, I certainly wouldn’t have encroached.

Needless to say, the Professor and I were both very embarrassed.  I went to the back door and offered to go outside, thinking it might defuse the situation somewhat if I got as far away from her pantry as possible. The Professor opened the door (oh, for opposable thumbs!), and I crept off into the night in disgrace.

It seemed prudent to go to a small building just outside the yard. The door was kind of small, about Pekinese-sized, but I managed to squeeze through. It was quiet and dark, which was a relief after all the commotion in the house. I stood inside the door for a moment, just catching my breath and letting my eyes adjust to the dark.

I hadn’t been inside more than five seconds when I heard a strange noise. A squawky kind of “brrrr-auck” sound.  Then it happened again.  It was closer! That crazy noise sounded again, but now to my side! There were two of them, maybe more! I still couldn’t see very well, but I could discern a shadowy movement coming at me. It wasn’t very large, but it was coming fast and the noise it gave was horrifying… a long screech of indignation and fury!

Suddenly, the sides of the shadow exploded outwards and the beast tripled in size! It was almost upon me and I could only tuck, duck, and roll as it launched itself at my face!  Immediately, another attacked from the side. Then another!

What had seemed like a safe haven only seconds before had suddenly become a den of terror.  All I could do was hunker down while being flayed by talons and beaks.

All the while the ear-splitting screeching and squalling continued, compounding my disorientation. I wasn’t able to defend myself, and truthfully, I don’t know what defense would have been possible. The attacks were relentless. I would detect movement and a split second later one of the creatures would attack. I was flogged, first from one direction and then the other. As soon as a beast seemed to tire in its abuses, another would rally from the other side, or the rear, or even from above (yes, they appeared to be able to fly or leap!).  Sometimes it seemed as if eight or ten of them were upon me simultaneously. It was terrifying.

It’s hard to know exactly how long it lasted, but I do know eventually they seemed to tire.  I tried to stand, thoughts of escape whirling in my brain as I staggered toward the door.  But my way was blocked, and the attack began again immediately, with more ferocity.  I knew then I was lost.

To make a long story short, I spent the entire night with those fiends looming over me.  At one point, one of the larger ones jumped up onto my back.  I twitched under the grip of its claws biting into my shoulder blades and gasped as I felt it settle down into sleep, confident in its status as conqueror.

It was a long night. I tremble just thinking about those endless hours in the darkness, hearing the Professor calling my name over and over, wanting desperately to run to him and the safety he offered, but knowing I was held captive by those foul specters of the night.

At long last, daylight broke. The creatures became restless and began moving about.  I was afraid the attacks were about to begin again as the monster on my back rose to his feet, stretched, and issued an ear-splitting crow of triumph. Amazingly, upon his signal, they rose as one and trooped from the building, exiting with contented clucks and murmurs.

As soon as the last of them was gone, I poked my head out the door. They were meandering off through the tall grass, no doubt to hunt for fresh meat. 

I wouldn’t have known what the beasts were if the Professor hadn’t said I smelled of ‘chickens’ when he was giving me a bath later that morning. I’ve been trying not to think about the incident, but I believe it’s vital the truth come out about chickens…  So thank you for writing, Chuck.  It’s been healing for me to talk about this.

As you can see, it’s important you do something about this chicken problem. NOW.  Find a trained professional to handle the problem. Do not delay!

I’m sending you a six-pack bottle of Roady’s Toilet Water in case your mouth is dry after hearing my story. It’s not blue and is best served in the safe confines of your coach after the exterminator has been by.

This is Roady saying goodbye for now. Keep your wheels rolling, and those letters and photos coming!